Wings of Honor

Its not only the 5th of November that I shouldn't forget. If only I could erase everything that happened after Ondoy week.

999 cranes hanging at the back of my classroom. 101 miniature cranes littered on the floor near a bent and destroyed tin can.

All I could do was go back to the most significant place in my high school life that was inside the campus. The CAT shack. It was the place I faced one of the greatest trials I had ever seen as well as the most disappointing failures ever. What happened there, stays there. And whatever happened there had changed me and had improved me as a person. But that improvement wasn't enough to keep me from straying. I had once thought I was weak and I no doubt was as I started out. I have gotten stronger over the months but that was all physical strength. Throughout all those months, I had to suppress all of the negative emotions I have. I couldn't afford to show weakness. However, true strength of character can be achieved by bearing emotion and not bottling them up. Doing that had weakened me.

The shack was completely different under the light of the sun as opposed to the moon. It was nothing but a makeshift shelter. A loose thin piece of metal served as the roof and from it I saw an aged rosary made of plastic; the same kind that could be purchased from the coop. It looked like it had been there for years. Then and there, I screamed. "This is bullshit," I shouted. "Haven't I suffered enough?" The idea hit me just moments later. I had done something terrible and torturing myself by folding more than a thousand paper cranes won't get me anywhere close to redemption.

I had lived under the notion that anything is possible as long as I never give up. Events of the past few weeks had shattered that belief of mine. There are just some things that are impossible. I wasted my time chasing after something that wasn't of this world anymore.

What I have to do now is move on like Jose had been telling me. It may be difficult but I know that its possible. So much reminds me of who I loved and what I had done. I need to distance myself from everything even if it means avoiding my classroom until the day I don't have to go back there anymore.

It's a lesson that I must never forget and I will probably take it to my grave.

Lets see.

45 out of 1000 on the first day. Its not that bad but today is a Saturday and I didn't do any homeworks. There's also the make up Long test for the TD I missed. I need to study for that since I'll be getting one of Mr. Brazal's special long tests.

I'm not alone. I was never alone. It took me 15 years to realize that with the help of Rica. I can't believe that I forgot that and it took a severe screw-over for me to remember that I have friends that are more than willing to help me. I have family that are more than willing to support me. I can't believe myself.

I hope these cranes will help make my wish come true. I want to stay hopeful. I want to keep hanging on.

I wont be able to forgive myself until I can get Rica to smile because of what I did or what I said or even just because I'm there.

I bear the shame. I did not resist. Perhaps I am more meant for execution than Adolf Hitler himself.

I found the greatest person I have known and loved. However, I have betrayed that person. Maybe like the wish of a friend which came true, my one wish would be granted if, like him, I folded a thousand paper cranes. I have only one wish in mind and it's not one that asks for passage into the past. It's one that asks for a second chance.

I will hold on to whats left and rebuild from there. I hope to earn your trust again and earn back your love. You were the greatest thing that happened to me and I truly regret all the wrong I have committed.

Day one of the final exams is over which leaves only two remaining. Four exams to study for and of those four are two of my most hated subjects - Religion and Filipino. It's not that I'm having difficulty or failing in those subjects, it's just that I feel like those two subjects are the epitome of useless. I feel as if I'd be wasting one hour and fifteen minutes just by taking those exams.

 The exams tomorrow and on Friday may only be a passive effort for me, but then again, they might have to call upon more effort than ever before. No one can really be sure (well except for the teachers who made the exams). Either way, I shouldn't be loosening my grasp over my studies just yet.  As the saying goes: "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings."

 To those who haven't been doing well this past term, I pray they see these last few exams as opportunities to raise their grades even by just a bit - a last ditch effort before the timer goes off. Don't throw everything out the window just yet, but rather keep fighting until the very last moment. (I'd like to see my class still complete next year.)

 I'll leave you, dear reader with a line from a poem which I was told to memorize. A code which I was told to understand and live out.

Exams start tomorrow and thus marks the beginning of the last few days of my life as a 3rd year student. "It's almost over", is what I would like to say when, for the last time in the school year, the bell plays that authoritative sound which governs our actions in school.

Unlike what I hope for, It seems I'll have to utter words of reluctance instead. This year may be over but a plethora of things imperative to what lies ahead. Of these, the most critical are college entrance reviews and applications. Applications for local schools may be later in the year but it seems that I have to bet moving soon if I want to see myself studying in foreign and better schools.

In addition to the extensive hours of review and numerous applications I plan to submit, COCC training also threatens the peace I could experience this summer. Unwillingly it may have been, COCC slowly wormed it's way into my daily routines and have taken dominance over most of my thought processes. With the group's current state of training, it appears we will not be finishing our candidacy course soon. I've given the corps my free time and energy yet all it does in return was to seize the rest of my time. They took what little rest we had and turned it into labor. On top of everything that was robbed of me, I even lost the opportunity to enjoy the last day of school with my classmates.

Apart from all of these necessities and inconveniences, I still plan to keep good relations with those I had formed bonds with. Considering the expenses the former activities brought and will bring upon, I might not be able to engage in the sport I enjoyed the most. I might not be able to take part of the AFC with friends as planned.

With my current mental attitude, I am not even completely sure if I will be able to pass my own standards. I remember how I let time slip from my hands so freely in my earlier years and perhaps even until now. Perhaps the ordeals I am to face henceforth will call change within myself and actually make one. But for now at least, I must concentrate on the task at hand and return to my studies.

Name: Jason Martinez
Date: 12/7/2008
Colorgenics Number: 53127064

---

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.

   During the summer before 3rd year began, I found out about a certain special training any Junior can take part in so they can become officers for CAT during their Senior year. The only problem with it, as I heard, was that the course is extremely difficult and it takes a hell of a lot of effort, dedication, discipline and determination to stay until the end.

   My first month in 3rd year gave me the idea of taking part in that course. Mostly because of the free time I got ever since we lost SSP in our class schedules. For the month of June of the year 2008, all I have been doing was squandering that extra hour I had doing activities of no particular relevance. When I found out about the COCC from my cousin who had recently given up on it then, I thought of a way to revamp my daily activities.

  On July 8, 2008, I began my days in CAT along with four three others - Miko, Patrick and JL. As I look back on it now, that day was the day I had voluntarily placed myself in hell to suffer.

  For the two succeeding weeks after that day, I had difficulty with my transportation home. My mother used to drive me to school every morning then I would go home riding the school bus. I had only figured out on the 3rd day of training that the CAT training would regularly end at 5, which, at that time, my ride home would have long been gone. That posed a problem for me, and the temporary solution I had to default to was taking a taxi home. Even with that hurdle, I didn't want to quit so soon after joining and each day that passes makes it even harder to just suddenly walk out of what I decided on. The idea of people thinking I'm a quitter, that I couldn't stick to my decisions or that I don't have any dedication didn't sit well with me. Eventually, I sorted that out by riding with my school bus in the morning and being picked up by my mother in the afternoons.

 It's quite ironic if you ask me. CAT, which was supposed to be the activity that would give meaning to my free time ended up leaving me with no time to spare at all.

 Everything after that is history. I've been going to COCC training 4 times a week, every single week - except for weeks like the exam week. Even until now, I'm considered a screw-up among the 6 of us remaining but I have never once thought of giving up. Even if I stay because I'm trapped with what I brought upon myself or out of sheer dedication for what I'm doing and what I can become, I will never give up - even if it kills me.

 

    Well.. my iPod started going haywire. It kept restarting but never reached the functional mode. I put it on disk mode only to see iTunes tell me that I need to reformat it to be used with windows. Reformatting means losing my data, losing my data means losing 40 GB (or probably even more) worth of anime, games and hi-res movies I was storing in it. "Son of a BI***," was all I had left to say. Seriously.. CRAP!! SHIT!! DAMMIT!!

    One thing is for certain. I'll never store data on that piece of crap EVER AGAIN. I seriously need a new hard drive now. Probably a new computer too while I'm at it.